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A Very Special Rapture Christmas Special

Saturday December 24th, 2011, 11:59 PM

Christmas is nothing but bullshit. That’s just another scare tactic used by Wal-Mart to get us to convert. It may have worked in the nineties, but we’re civilized now. Now, we’

Sunday December 25th, 2011, 12:00 AM

OH GOD THE CHRISTMAS IS JOLLY (A Very Special OH GOD THE RAPTURE IS BURNING Christmas Special by Jordan “DJay32” Dooling) OH MY GOD HELP RJWIAFDSJFDJIF DUDE THIS IS CRAZY oh. It’s not Christmas. That’s just snow outside. I’m not jolly; that’s just my mind adjusting to the FREEZING COLD. What the fuck is going on?

12:02 AM

I entered a wardrobe and now I’m out in the snow. Barefoot, shorts, don’t fucking cefjidj9di okay maybe I do care it’s freezing out here let me go get some clothes on.

12:07 AM

There, I’m in trousers and my slendercoat and hat and purple scarf. Let’s see what in the world was going on.

12:08 AM

The whole neighbourhood is covered in a fleet of sudden snow. It doesn’t take only eight minutes to cover a whole area in a foot of snow.

What is going on?

12:10 AM

I’m not stupid, journal. I’m bringing my guitar controller.

…you never know when some stranger might want to play Rock Band.

It happens!

12:38 AM

I don’t see anyone around here.

I think they’re all asleep in their houses.

12:45 AM

I’m going home, fuck this.

12:50 AM

OH GOD HI

It’s a girl. She says her name is Donnie.

And she’s saying we need to run because “Christmas is coming.”

12:53 AM

I said I thought Christmas was already here.

"No, the heavy snow was just the sign that it was coming. It’s not actually officially here yet, but Christmas is coming.”

We’re running now.

12:59 AM

WHAT THE FUCK THAT’S A GIANT CHRISTMAS TREE WHEN DID THAT GET THERE

IT’S GOT TWO GIANT CARTOONY EYES AND IT’S LOOKING AT US FUNNY

THAT’S A BIG TREE

IT’S STARTING TO MOVE

OH GOD

IT’S STARTING TO SHAKE IN THE WIND

OH GOD

IT’S SLOWLY BEING ERODED ON A VERY MICROSCOPIC LEVEL

OH GOD

IF WE WAIT A FEW THOUSAND YEARS, IT’LL BE REALLY MINDFUCK-Y

OH GOD

FUCK IT LET’S JUST RUN

1:22 AM

OHHH GOD IT’S A SNOWMAN AND HE’S LOOKING AT ME WITH ILLUSTRIOUS EYES

…SORRY, I MEANT LUSTFUL

HE’S LOOKING AT ME WITH LUSTFUL EYES

1:24 AM

HE ASKED ME TO STEP CLOSER AND TOUCH HIS SNOW PENIS

OH GOD I HAD NO CHOICE

OH GOD

OH GOD

OH GOD THIS IS PAINFUL

IT’S SO WEIRD

HE WANTS ME TO TAKE OFF HIS HAT NOW

BAAAAAAAAAAAAH

THERE I DID IT

THE SNOWLEQUIN IS PLEASED

HE’S MELTING INTO THE GROUND NOW

OH GOD I AM MENTALLY SCARRED FOR LIFE

1:30 AM

Donnie grabbed my hand. I feel so much better, I’m in love with that girl, we should marry.

1:37 AM

Why did either of us ever step into the rabbit wardrobe? ._____. This is a frozen hell with ice sculptures of pain.

1:45 AM

We’ve decided we should go to the local pond. It’s a great idea.

1:53 AM

The journey was long and arduous. I’ve lost two legs and an arm, and Donnie somehow gained three pairs of sunglasses.

But we’re there now. We’ve made it to the local pond.

OH MY GOD IT’S A MAN IN A JOHN PETRUCCI MASK

WHAT THE FUCK

OH GOD

HE LOOKS SO HANDSOME

I CAN’T CONTROL MY HOMOSEXUAL IMPULSES INSIDE ME

C’MERE YOU

*SMOOOCH*

OH GOD HE JUST STABBED ME.

HE THEN SAID HE WAS THE MASKED KILLER MAN.

1:58 AM

Donnie kicked him in the nuts, and then me and her had hot and passionate sex on a very attractive beach at sunset. Don’t ask me how; I don’t write the story, I just chronicle it.

We’re on the icy shores of the local pond, and there’s ice skates here, Odyssey brand. Two pairs. We’re skating across the pond, here goes.

2:00 AM

OH GOD THIS IS TERRIFYING

WHAT THE FUCK

SKATING IS HARD

2:04 AM

It has been four whole minutes. I don’t know if we’re gonna make it to the other side.

..what’s that noise

oh dear god

A giant tentacle just smashed its way out from under the frozen pond. o_____e

Then a guy crawled out of the pond and spoke to us.

"Hello. My name is Camper, and I will be your proxy for today.”

HELLO, CAMPER.

"So there’s this thing, and it’s called EAT and Salmacis and all this stuff, right? And I’m actually it. Except I’m not all of it; I’m just one of its arms.”

*inhales* Man, that’s deep. But wait wait I got one. What if… what if we’re all actually its arms? And, like… rabbits are its…. legs?

"Ooh, that’s deep, that’s really deep. And what if, like.. what if it listens to our music?”

Oh god, dude, that’s so terrifying, I’m so off it right now but that’s terrifying. xD

"But what music could possibly be so, like………."

..vague?

"Vague! Vague, what music could possibly be so vague that people wouldn’t be able to, like.. figure out what EAT is saying?"

..how about prog?

"GENIUS. Alright, man. I gotta split. Later."

Alright, cool.

"Oh, and Christmas is coming."

Yeah, I heard, don’t worry.

"Oh, cool, just making sure. See ya."

2:10 AM

We made it to the other end of the pond. Oh my god, this place is packed with tourists. There are tourists absolutely everywhere, this land is essentially a living mass of tourists.

C’mon, Donnie. Let’s clear a path.

2:11 AM

OH MY GOD HI DANNY HOW DID YOU GET TO ENGLAND

"Internet."

Oh cool.

C’mon, let’s go to this city here.

2:25 AM

I’m getting tired of walking. CARRY ME

2:30 AM

THAT HOTEL THERE LET’S GO IN

2:33 AM

HEY GUYS LOOK IT’S THE SLENDER MAN TRYING TO BE IN THE BACKGROUND.

HI SLENDY. :DDDDD

"hi"

WHATCHA DOIN’ WAY OVER THERE TRYING TO BE IN THE BACKGROUND?

"stalking teenage girls, you know, the usual"

OH AWESOME, WELCOME TO THE CLUB 8D

*hi-5*

SO WHO ARE YOU STALKING

"fentzy"

OH FUCK YEAH

2:35 AM

HEY THERE FENTZY.

"HI."

WANNA HAVE SEX?

"FUCK YES."

BRB.

2:44 AM

WELCOME TO OUR PARTY, FENTZY.

FROM NOW ON, YOU’RE GONNA BE REFERRED TO AS TITLES LIKE “BOSS” AND “MA’AM.” SO WILL DONNIE AND THE SNOWLEQUIN AND AN UPCOMING PARTY MEMBER, AND YOU’RE ALL DOMINANT GIRLS— well and a snowman— SO IT’S GONNA BE REALLY CONFUSING FOR THE READER BUT DON’T WORRY, THAT JUST MEANS YOU’RE ALL PARALLELS! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDD

I’M SUCH A GOOD WRITER.

2:50 AM

Looking around the city, OH MY GOD IT’S BIGFOOT

LOOK GUYS IT’S BIGFOOT

SEE IT

HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE IT

IT’S RIGHT THERE

IT’S BIGFOOT

OH GOD BIGFOOT

3:00 AM

I passed out and woke up in a hospital. Thank God for the NHS, good thing we’re not in America or this would cost something!

SOCIALISM, FUCK YEAH.

I asked the doctor if I was being stalked by eldritch abominations embodying the fear of miscommunication, and he looked me straight in the eyes and said

"Son, you’re high."

3:04 AM

Wow, this hospital has a direct link to a top-secret government base. That’s nifty!

3:05 AM

This guy down here told me that Christmas is coming and something to do with this giant swirling vortex of interdimensional pain.

He wants us to charge head-first into it and not come out until we find out why Christmas is coming.

WELL OKAY :D

3:06 AM

Danny just said “SCREW ALL Y’ALL” and ragequit’d on us.

INTO THE VORTEX!

3:08 AM

OH GOD THE CHRISTMAS IS JOLLY

CANDY CANES ARE CRAWLING ALL OVER ME

THE SLENDER MAN IS WEARING A SANTA SUIT

THERE’S A MAN IN A GAS MASK AND REINDEER ANTLERS AND HE’S GOING TO CHURCHES AND SHOUTING “MERRY CHRISTMAS, KIDDIES” BEFORE SHOOTING THEM IN THE FACE WITH A SHOTGUN

WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN

3:10 AM

OH DEAR GOD I’M IN A LIBRARY

GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

OH GOD IT’S SOME OLD GUY

GET AWAY FROM ME I DON’T CARE

"But you need to wrap the Seven Christmas Presents of The Festive Man’s Book!"

GO AWAY

3:11 AM

OKAY NOW WE’RE IN AGON WASTELANDS FROM METROID PRIME 2 WHAT THE FUCK

Leave it to me, girls.

..ladies.

Don’t kill me.

3:30 AM

DARK WORLD NOW

NEED THE THREE TEMPLE KEYS

4:04 AM

Heh “404”

TIME TO FIGHT AMORBIS

HEEYA

4:22 AM

OH MY GOD THE FIFTH CHRISTMAS PRESENT. IT NEEDS WRAPPING.

*WRAPS*

AND THAT’S… A WRAP. ;D

Saturday December 24th, 2011, 11:23 PM

We’re in Sandy SpHOW THE FUCK DID WE GET TO AMERICA

AND THERE WAS FUCKING TIME TRAVEL, WHAT THE FUCK.

This isn’t fair, man. Now Christmas really isn’t here! ;_;

..BUT MON DIEU, THIS MEANS CHRISTMAS IS ONLY HALF AN HOUR AWAY!

WE NEED EVERYONE FOR THIS; IT’S CHRISTMAS!

11:27 PM

WE’RE GOING TO COLORADO, C’MON.

11:34 PM

"That was fast." It actually took us two hours because time zones, look at that clock.

"Two hours is still really f"SHUT YOUR FACE THAT’S WHAT MATTERS

ANNAAAAAAAAA? WHERE ARE YOU, ANNA?

…OW

FUCK

TACKLED.

OKAY HI

YES HI

YOU CAN GET UP NOW

I NEED TO GET DANNY AND ERIC

WHAT AM I SAYING C’MERE YOU

11:40 PM

OKAY NOW WE NEED TO GET DANNY AND ERIC.

11:41 PM

…Danny, why were you standing right there all this time?

"I was bored."

Shut your hole, we’re going back to Georgia.

"Eric’s in California."

WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE BE IN CALIFORNIA

"Because shut up."

11:50 PM

OKAY WE MADE IT AND WE ALSO WRAPPED THE LAST TWO CHRISTMAS PRESENTS WHEN YOU WEREN’T LOOKING IT’S TRUE SHUT UP

IT TOOK US AN HOUR TO GET THERE BLAH BLAH TIMEZONES I CAN’T HEAR YOU

WHERE THE FUCK IS ERIC.

11:51 PM

THERE HE IS.

"Dude, we need to do the Seven Christmas Carols with the Knights of Cydonia in order for Christmas to get here."

FUCKING FINE

LA LA LA LA LOOK AT ME IT’S FUCKING CHRISTMAS

LA LA LA LA LOOK AT YOU IT’S FUCKING CHRISMAS

LA LA LA LA LOOK AT US IT’S FUCKING CHRISTMAS

ALL UP IN THIS BITCH

LO LO LO LO LAUGH WITH ME IT’S FUCKING KRINGLE

LO LO LO LO LAUGH WITH YOU IT’S FUCKING KRINGLE

LO LO LO LO LAUGH WITH US IT’S FUCKING KRINGLE

AND YOU CAN ALL SUCK A DICK

LEE LEE LEE I LOVE ME IT’S FUCKING DECEMBER 25TH

LEE LEE LEE I LOVE YOU IT’S FUCKING DECEMBER 25TH

LEE LEE LEE I LOVE US IT’S FUCKING DECEMBER 25TH

WE ALL DIE A LITTLE INSIDE TODAY ANYWAY

MY PLUG-IN BABY CRUCIFIES MY ENEMIES

AND ALL THIS SHIT ON A STICK DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK

FOR CAN’T YOU TELL IT’S CHRISTMAS

I MEAN YOU’D HAVE TO BE AN IDIOT NOT TO

WHAT WITH ALL THE FUCKING CAROLS

AND ALL THE FUCKING SHOPS

AND ALL THE FUCKING CHRISTMAS FUCKING SPECIALS

SHOVING IT DOWN OUR THROAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATSSSSSSSS

SHOVING IT DOWN OUR THROAAATS
DOWN OUR THROATS
DOWN OUR THROATS
LIKE A DICK IT’S
DOWN OUR THROATS
DOWN OUR THROATS
DOWN LIKE TOAST IT’S
DOWN OUR THROATS
DOWN OUR THROATS
DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS

JINGLE FUCKS

JINGLE FUCKS

JINGLE ALL THE WAY

WITH A JIG-JIG HERE

AND A JIG-JIG THERE

ON A NO-FUCKS-GIVEN SLEIGH

MY FAVOURITE KIND OF SLEIGH IS SLEIGH-ER

HA SLAYER GET IT IT’S A BAND

AND THE TRUTH’S UNWINDING

SCRAPING AWAY

AND MY MIND, PLEASE STOP ASKING ME TO DESCRIBE

FOR A MOMENT, I WISH YOU’D HOLD YOUR STAGE

WITH NO FEELINGS LOW.

OPEN-MINDED, I’M SURE I USED TO BE SO FREEEEEEEEE.

MUSE WILL NEVER BE IN ROCK BAND BESIDES “HYSTERIA”

QUIT ASKING

and now for the grand finale

FO FO FO FO LOOK AT ALL THIS CHRISTMAS

FO FO FO FO LOOK AT ALL THIS CHRISTMAS

FO FO FO FO FUCK IT ALL, IT’S CHRISTMAS

AND IT’S GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN NEXT YEAR ANYWAY!

FUUUUUUUUUCK YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH

AND I’LL SEE ALL I’LL EVER BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

DRAW A STAAAAAAIRWAAAAAAY FOOOOOR MYYYYYYY

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

The end.

11:58 PM

The Seven Christmas Carols have been sung. Now Christmas is coming, so shut the fuck up and smile. :D

I can’t wait!

LET’S ALL GO TO WAL-MART

11:59 PM

We’re all gathered at Wal-Mart. It’s opening in one minute.

Christmas is finally coming! In one minute!

God, these past eight hours have been the most bizarre and disturbing of my life.

I feel like a completely changed person because of it. I feel so much more mature, so much more.. open-minded.

And now it’s finally gonna be the Christmas of my reckoning.

Look, I can see someone coming to the door to open it!

Sunday December 25th, 2011, 12:00 AM

COCKROACH SANTA HAS COME

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS 2011 FROM DJAY32 AND ALL MY FELLOW RAPTURE AND FEAR FELLOWS.

 
  1. blindrapture posted this