Door’s knocking. Loudly.
“The Mistress wants you and the girl.”
Mistress is sitting atop the tallest booth in the marketplace— a makeshift throne for a makeshift God.
Donnie looks tired and sick. No doubt she’s afraid. I know I am.
Mistress says I shouldn’t be so afraid. Mistress is no monster. Mistress wants only what’s best for her pet.
Mistress snapped her fingers, and now Genesis’ “That’s All” began playing on some speakers that had been set up. Such a cheerful and peppy song.
Mistress commanded me to sing along.
Turnin’ me on,
Turnin’ me off,
Makin’ me feel like I want too much,
Living with you’s just puttin’ me through it all the time.
Stayin’ out all night,
Takin’ it all instead of takin’ one bite,
Living with you’s just puttin’ me through it all the time.
I could leave but I won’t go,
It would be easier, I know,
I can’t feel a thing from my head down to my toes.
Why does it always seem to be,
Me lookin’ at you,
You lookin’ at me,
It’s always the same, it’s just a shame, that’s all.
Mistress says that’s enough.
Mistress has a job for me. Remember, yes, I remember.
Mistress wants me to go to Spain. Mistress has a list of people for me to “convert.”
And if I don’t want to, Mistress can always convert Donnie. And me.
I have no choice.
Mistress is sending me alone. I’ll be gone for a week.
Mistress wants me to write down every detail of the conversions. No wimping out or else.
But first, Mistress says I need a new suit. My current outfit is way too depressing.
Mistress snapped her fingers. Puppets walked up to me holding a white suit jacket, white pants, and a white trilby hat.
I put them on. Mistress says I look snazzy. Mistress says she wants to make out with me, I’m so attractive.
…Mistress just did.
It was like kissing a corpse. But still something was off. She felt too.. energetic.
Mistress wishes me the best of luck. Mistress snapped her fingers once more, and a car pulled up nearby.
I guess it’s time for me to go.
This car is a hearse.
The driver is another puppet.
I asked how long it’ll take us to get to Spain. The puppet said “Couple days.” He sounded dead.
That doesn’t even make sense, does it? “He sounded dead.” That sounds pretty stupid. I meant he sounds.. dull.
I asked if we could have a little music. The puppet asked if I had any CDs on me.
Fuck yeah, I grinned.
Wait wait wait, best part, best part, shut up shut up
BY THE GRACE OF GOD ABOVE, EVERYONE SURVIVED! HUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Ah, that’s hilarious. Best place for a death-metal growl ever.
Yeaah, this is gonna be a long ride.
Goddamn. I mean, you don’t ever think England’s really that big until you’ve been going south for hours and still haven’t hit close to the seaside. I mean, motherfucker, you could fit England in the state of Georgia about three or seven times! Georgia wasn’t even that big!
…then again, England gave us the TARDIS. Maybe that wasn’t just a coincidence.
I wish I had a girlfrien WAIT WAIT WAIT, I WISH I DIDN’T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, there we go.
I’m getting hungry. Fuck.
I asked the puppet driver guy if we could stop for food. He said the Mistress has already planned for several stops on this car journey. Huh.
We stopped. This is a service station somewhere, uh… fuck, I have no idea. I mean, it used to be a service station. Now it seems kinda abandoned.
The driver said I have to go by myself. Inside. He said food will be in there.
Tiger Stripes, give me strength.
…wait, I don’t have Tiger Stripes rj80sf FUCK WHAT, WHY DON’T I HAVE TIGER STRIPES.
Driver says it was Mistress’ orders. I need a better weapon for where I’m going. Driver says Mistress says I can find a better weapon if I look around.
Gah. I don’t look forward to this.
Pretty fucking dark in here. I don’t even have anything to defend myself. Motherfucker. ..don’t think about it too much, Jordan.
I found what probably used to be the freezers. There’s some soda in here. DIBS.
Crisps over here. DIBS.
Pop tarts covered in cockroaches? Fuck that shit.
ZOMBIES FUCKER FUCKER MOTHERFUCKING FUCKER FUCKJOB FUCK THE.. fuck. They’re the dull kind. The ones who stand there. And move only when I do.
That one’s nooo, no, no he’s not, he’s just.. well, he’s… copying me? I mean, no, he’s.. it doesn’t look like it. It looks like he’s grabbed a notepad. And a pencil. Now he’s writing, too. He only writes when I do. He’s not copying me, though. Sometimes he takes a step forward, sometimes he flips to a new page, but he only moves when I do.
I’m just.. gonna… leave. Quietly. With my soda and crisps. And donuts.
..I’m just gonna grab this Peperami here on my way out.
DRIVE MOTHERFUCKER DRIVE
The fuck was even up with that.
Fuck it, fucking fuck. I’m getting some fucking sleep.
Motherfuckity.. fuckeloo, fuckalah. Driver woke me up. We’re at Dover. Gotta cross the Channel to get to France.
Wait, how are we gonna cross the Channel? There’s not exactly a public boat service or anything.
Driver says there’s a rabbit hole we can use.
Dear sweet Goddess of Fuck.
Those are the cliffs of Dover, aren’t they?
They’re an awesome sight. In the.. in the not-stupid definition of “awesome.”
Are they supposed to be black? I could’ve sworn they were the white cliffs of Dover. Or maybe QI told me the “white” was actually a lie or something. God, I don’t know.
These cliffs are ominous, though. Pretty damn. They’re tall, overlooking the English Channel. And they’re.. well, they’re cliffs! I don’t know why the hell I’m trying to tell you how ominous they are, but.. just… huh.
Sorry. Been staring at those motherfucking cliffs. Uh.. right, driver mentioned a rabbit hole.
Speaking of, where’d he go?
Shit, there he is, he’s walking away COME BACK
He’s leading me to the cliffs.
There’s a cave in this cliff.
Driver says the rabbit hole’s in there; we can’t take the car.
Well, here goes nothing.
Where the hell am I?
It’s blue, that’s for sure.
This seems to be a cave of some sorts, but I get the feeling I’m definitely in that.. other dimension place. The rabbit hole land. It’s darker ‘n a rat’s ass in here.
Long cave! Driver’s still with me, though.
Cave’s still going, on and on.
I asked the Driver if he knows where the fuck we are.
“We may have a bit of a problem.”
“There’s, uh.. heh. There’s some legend that goes around about a zombie and a Puppet who tried to break free of their masters by escaping down a rabbit hole.”
Well, you’re not trying to escape, are you?
“No, but the legend went pretty similarly to this. They found themselves in a cave that kept on going, and when they finally reached the end of the cave, there was a monster that broke all their comprehension of the eldritch and the logical, and it engulfed them.”
Can we just turn back? I mean, rabbit holes aren’t one-way.
Okay, I don’t think he’s even here any more. I’m thinking of turning ba
The light at the end of the tunnel.
I, uh.. I don’t see any monsters here. I guess I’m safe.
I gueHIHIHI, oh, hi, uh right what who that’s.. kay, that’s just a guy. Not a monster destroying my perceptions of sanity and reality. Just a man. The silhouette of a man, for that’s one bright-ass light at the end of the tunnel.
He’s wearing a gas mask.
His arms are spread, like he wants to embrace me.
Goddamn, I hope you’re secretly a chick.
I couldn’t move. Gas Masky looked at me, stared at me, considered me. But something seemed to change his mind about me. So he slowly turned and walked away, into the blinding white light. Then I could move.
Goddammit, I just know he was gonna kill me oh god.
Kay, uh… INTO THE LIGHT.
SWEET HALLELUJAH I SEE THE LIGHT
lulz I’m such a troll
I can’t see shit.
I’m falling I’m falling I’m falflg
Clocktower. This is a clocktower. I’m standing near the top. The clock is right behind me.
This clocktower is in the middle of the ocean. Or.. some.. body of water. How the fuck am I gonna get down from here?
Something’s on the horizon.
I think it’s a boat.
Sweet god diggety what. That thing isn’t so small.
I stand corrected; it is pretty small. I don’t think my senses of perspective are too.. fuck.
Um, kay, let me describe it. Let me take a good look and describe it.
It’s.. a.. viking ship. The kind of ship with a.. like, a statue or something on the front. There’s only one person on the boat. I’m not sure how it’s moving.
The creature on the boat is waving at me to get on.
That thing’s a giraffe.
This boat’s moving really fast. How the hell is it moving so fast, nobody’s rowing or anything and there’s no motor. There’s just that giraffe. He says his name is Jack. He has a Yorkshire accent. o_o
I asked where we were going.
“The fifth Beacon.”
Jack’s been standing at the edge of the boat, staring off into the horizon. Now he’s looking at me. He’s grinning.
He said we’re “near the Sweet Hours.” I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
Dear sweet Cockroach Jesus, what the fuck is that?
It’s.. I mean, it looks like a skyscraper that corkscrews and twists as it extends into the clouds. But that.. completely goes against physics— oh right, apocalyptic world and all that.
..but still, y’know? It’s just.. amazing.
The corkscrewscraper has some sort of.. opening by the sea level, some sort of dock. We’re going in.
Is that a pigmask?
Oh, it’s just a dude in a pink.. soldier outfit. And mask. …wait, that’s what a pigmask is. So I guess this is a pigmask.
Says his name is Jerry. Well, hi Jerry.
Elevator. Going up, I presume.
My, we’ve been going up for a while.
DING. Floor four-hundred n’ thirty-seven: Hats, coats, scarves, and women’s clothing.
…okay, uh, I just woke up in a car. Backseat of a car.
COCKROACH JESU oh wait, it’s just the Driver. We’re back in the hearse. Where are we now? Did I dream all that?
Driver tells me we’re in France now. He asked if the rabbit hole trip was fun enough for me, so I guess I didn’t dream that.
Driver says we’re making good progress. Says we should be in Spain by dawn. I asked where, exactly, in Spain we’re going. Driver says “It’s not where we’re going, kid. It’s where you’re going.” First town’s some place called Berga.
This paper Mistress gave me says the first conversion will be to a guy named Tony Ferdinando.
Goddamn, I’m not entirely looking forward to this.
Driver asked if I have any more of that stuff I put on earlier. He says he liked it.
I think he meant Dream Theater.
I like this guy.
NO ONE DARED TO
SPEAK OF THE TERRIBLE DANGAH
THE HIDEOUS ANCIENT WARNINGS
FORGED IN THE VOID OF NIGHT
Whoa, fell asleep. It’s not even dark outside yet. But motherfucker, France is gorgeous.
Just look at that countryside. There’s a thunderstorm, sure, but it’s fine, it’s not like it’s gonna hit us or anything.
In the midst of the fiery carnage, I heard the driver scream as the gas tank landed right next to his face. It was then that I got up and ran.
The gas tank exploded. I ran away from the explosion and I didn’t look back.
I didn’t look back at the explosion. Oh my god that’s actually pretty awesome.
The fire lit up the night sky, and for a moment, I could see the rain.
It was flying away from the wreckage.
Then the sky was clear, not a hint of bad weather.
I have no idea where I’m going.
I wish I did.
There’s something in the distance, off in the countryside. It looks alive.
It’s a campfire. With people!
They allowed me into their group. There’s a couple people who speak English here, so I’m good.
There’s food and laughter and hugs here.
I’m exhausted. These kind people set up a tent just for me.